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Pornography is readily available everywhere from billboards to sex flicks to websites and chat-rooms, and as easy as “sexting” pictures of oneself and others. The secrecy surely magnifies the betrayal, anger, and horror a wife feels when she discovers her husband looks at other women online.
She may have known it was a past problem and believed he lived in victory, or she may have been clueless to his addiction and feels duped by him. The discussion begins privately between the two of you (Matthew ).
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Going vertical strengthens you to face your anxieties and disappointments, and to choose forgiveness when there are no guarantees. Work on your communication and relationship as a couple.
Forgiveness comes with true repentance and change; it is choosing to model after the way God forgives us.
If she withdraws, he may use that as an excuse for his sin. But a good discussion is two-way, so ask him to listen to how you are feeling and how his sin affects your marriage and also his relationship with the Lord. If he refuses and you are convinced you have the facts, Matthew -17 says to involve help. Is his heart attitude toward his sin one of repentance or excuses and justification? Pray that he will come to a place of true godly sorrow (2 Corinthians ). It is easy to focus on his sin, but you must choose to focus on your faithful Lord instead, and on your own growth through this difficult trial (James 1:2-4). God has given you permission to involve those who can help! The depth of involvement that comes out of these discussions will determine the kind of help you need. For others, a more intense individual counseling with a godly man who can unpack perhaps years of wrong thinking and help him develop a lifestyle of self-control in the seven building blocks for moral purity.
Be discerning about you choose to involve, and keep the circle small. Your husband’s desire for pornography is though every wife I’ve counseled initially believed she should have been enough for him and that it is somehow her fault. The truth will come easier when a pastor, counselor, or friend listens and then guides him into accountability in love, not in shame or anger, because love unifies and encourages (James -20). Will a men’s accountability group and installing Covenant Eyes be enough? Wives do not make good counselors or accountability partners for their husbands, but function best in the God-given roles to support, encourage, and pray for their husband’s growth in sanctification.
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