What to talk about when you first start dating
Sure, you’re having a great time together a few times a month, but do you really know where you stand, relationship-wise? As conflict is an avoidable part of life, discovering how your date deals with it is an important part of getting to know him/her better. If your date needs a night on the couch to feel energized and rejuvenated, try to respect that, too. How does your date make decisions regarding big-ticket items?
Is one of you hoping it will turn into marriage and kids while the other is commitment-phobic and enjoys seeing more than one person at a time? Money and sex are two driving forces behind divorce.
And with the exception of yours truly, who would rather stick his tongue in a bear trap than even think about his high school girlfriend, many look back on their first romances with fond feelings. She said that three-quarters of first loves who reunite years later decide to stay together, even when the reunion begins as an adulterous affair.
Although not everyone thinks of that relationship for more than a passing moment or so, some must wonder what it would be like to rekindle the romance they had when they were teenagers or college-aged. Normally, most marriages that begin as affairs terminate.
In her in-depth interviews of the three couples, she noted that they had unusually intense sexual connections, which made her posit that sexual attachment may work with the same kind of specificity as baby-mother attachment.
Although a dissertation with only three couples makes generalization extremely difficult, she is onto something. Kalish pointed out: that the former love is simply a fantasy and that one’s current relationship can satisfy this new need.
The web, of course, is where most of these meetings begin. Kalish was doing her research in the early 2000’s, the most popular site for finding people from the past was
After I was wrong not once but three times with clients who ultimately chose to leave their marriage for their high school sweethearts, I had to rethink my position.
“The reunion is a continuation of a love that was interrupted.” Carey Goldberg notes some research indicates that a teenager may attach specifically to a first lover in much the same way as a baby attaches to a mother. Linda Waud, a Psychologist who wrote her dissertation on three reunited couples.
“There is an actual neurological attachment that happens between these individuals,” she said, “and that’s why it’s enduring and it never leaves your mind. Waud herself reconnected with a long-lost love after 35 years apart.
And from what I’ve seen in my practice, it’s an agonizing choice, especially when the current relationship is at least somewhat satisfying.
So essentially I’m along for the ride as people decide what is in their best interests as well as the other parties involved.